Soda costs extra, but they'd never know it

Being a first generation child who then becomes a parent is an interesting experience. It makes you particularly reflective about your own upbringing, mostly because as a child of immigrants, life can be pretty frugal and focused on making sure your life will never be as terrible as your parents’ life in the motherland, and quite frankly, as an “other” in the US. That manifests into the stereotypes we’ve all heard before: A laser focus on getting exceptional grades, guilt, frustration, constant feelings of failure, never wasting money, eating out, and on the rare occasion you do go to a restaurant, never, ever ordering anything but water with your meal. Even on special occasions, you should always know you’re living on razor-thin margins.

Now that I have privileged American children who have never known the frugality and emotional distance of immigrant parents, their ignorance over everyday luxuries and whining about perceived injustices are particularly comical and grating. 

Friday is movie night in our second generation house, which in my mind, is already a luxury because my parents believed Fridays were meant for watching the news, doing homework, then retiring early for the night. But a lot can happen in two generations. 

My 4 year-old daughter had chosen “The Grinch” as her movie of choice. She had been talking about why she wanted to watch it since the previous night. When it came time for her and my son to watch, he rejected “The Grinch.” After some squabbling, my husband finally said, “OK, why don’t you just go upstairs and watch your own movie in the guest bedroom.” 

Let me pause right there, because “second TV in the guest bedroom” did not exist in my childhood for a very long time. Perhaps for a few of you this isn’t the pearl-clutching scenario that I’ve suggested. “A spare room with a TV? Big deal.” Except that the availability of choice is a luxury that I debate if my children should have. Yet, isn’t this what my parents and in-laws always wanted for my husband and me? To give us the opportunities they never had so that we can get that second TV? Order soda instead of water at a restaurant? Are we removing the valuable lessons that come from the friction of having to compromise on a limited resource with your sibling? My husband also came from humble beginnings so now here we are, fulfilling the very dream our parents had for us. But it has posed a new parenting quandary of balancing a visceral knowledge of the fruits of our families’ generational labor with an appreciation of knowing we don’t have to order the tap water anymore. 

Photo by Laura Mitulla via Upsplash